sometimes realisation strikes you so suddenly and hardly, it seems almost impossible how you never did understand the situation or issue before. maybe it was because how it was brought about. but, today seems like one of those times. after embarrassing fighting at westmall with my brother and his incessant scoldings, maybe vulgarities help, but i suddenly felt that his outburst was just and i am just being The Asshole, as usual.
so i am taciturn. i can't control my emotions. i lack confidence. i am just one of those hateful fuckers you see on the streets, acting cool, putting on a facade to hide the obnoxious, scum of the universe personality and character that they are, i am.
it seem so clear to me now that all these while, my family has been trying to change me, to shape me into a kinder being, so as to be accepted by society when i reach the working age. yet, i have let them down by being the way i am now. i recall, i promised my father that i will change, maybe its this remembrance that makes it so clear and painful. how i have let him down, oh, the shame.
Truth hurts they say. i couldn't agree more. though hard and fierce my brother's good intentions have come, i find it good. it came stinging right at me letting me understand that what he said was not just irrational rage words, but rational and well found statements.
the way my brother attacked at all my weaknesses at once today was not something to be forgotten, but to be etched into my brain, so that i do not become a pain in people's eyes, heart and memory.
i hope to change, i wish to change, i want to change. please do not give up on me.
posted by `-ryoken # 8:43 PM
